In the News: Eden refuses to be complacent despite his staggering form, the dressing room jokes that Jorginho is Sarri’s lovechild, Ruben’s talent is not in question, but Sarri hints that he needs to get better at following tactical instructions. Cesc says he feels “sensations” with Sarri he thought he’d never feel again. Probably best he doesn’t regale his wife with that titbit. “Chelsea denying youth,” headlines from the Press Plebs. Again. Yawn. And egg on our face they say because Sancho and Mount have got England call ups. Guess what, sh*theads? Getting into the England squad is easier than getting into the Chelsea first team. And if they weren’t out on loan they wouldn’t have been picked, because they would not be playing. If Loftus Cheek, Barkley, FABREGAS and Christensen are clawing like angry kittens to get into the starting lineup, how far down the pecking order do you think those two young chaps would be? Morata cried when he scored on Thursday. Sarri asked what he thought – “if he wants to cry when he scores I hope I see him cry a lot.” And a great interview with Kepa this week. Surprised at how much he has to play with his feet at Chelsea, but something they did through the Spanish age groups, so does not feel uncomfortable. Aims for the season? Stay in all competitions as long as possible and still be in the mix for the league with 5-8 games to go, sensible lad.

Podgettino has been bitching that football is negligent for how much players are expected to do. It’s only October you bellend. He says it’s dangerous, but attributes no culpability to Sp*rs, who were simply too stupid to buy anyone in the summer so they could rotate. Sanchez is paid £391,000 a week. On top of a six and a half million pound signing on fee. How particularly galling when he has done nothing to earn any of it. 1-0 to Chequebook Pulis though, because I like to think he has dropped him for no other reason than denying him the ADDITIONAL £75,000 he gets for each appearance. Though you wouldn’t have been able to ask CP to confirm this, as his press conference lasted precisely three minutes and thirty two seconds. Jermaine Penis says he cannot imagine a way for Mourinho to still be in charge come the end of the season. Stranger things have happened. Him getting a job stating the obvious for one. And Juve’s stock price has plummeted thanks to the rape allegations against Ronaldo and their pledging their support of him. Hmm. Where do I stand on this? One of them is a disgraceful human being, that is for sure. Rape is obviously disgusting and wholly unacceptable. But I find the taking money from your rapist in exchange for your silence distasteful. You either want to pursue the case against someone who assaulted you or you don’t, but you don’t turn it into a business arrangement. But then money talks. And from the other side this is a man who bought half his kids like he’d buy a new sports car.

The Others: The United game was entertaining. If they had not come back, it would have been the first time in 28 years that they had gone 5 games at Old Trafford without a win. Smelling (ha – autospell) has a sad little ponytail. As if he wasn’t a big enough laughing stock already. Chequebook Pulis’s programme notes amounted to 167 words and were mostly devoted to the boast that they have more points in the Champions League than any other English club. Don’t ever change CP. One commentator was boohooing at 0-2 that he hasn’t had enough money spent on him. Funny, because Bailly, who he hooked on 18 minutes, was one that he picked. At one point they had a back three of Matic, Pogba and Smalling, but a combination of one of those daring Chequebook Pulis substitution master classes, Mata bailing him out and Newcastle being idiots turned it around. And Sanchez justified about 1% of the money expended on him so far. To hear them singing CP’s name then made me almost cry with laughter at the hypocrisy. Funniest moment? Graeme Le Saux said Matic’s turning circle was the same as a small cruise ship. Funniest thing I’ve ever heard him say, but only with his left foot Graeme. If he tried to use his right, he’d sink. Not satisfied with that amount of drama though, CP apparently exclaimed “f*** off sons of a b*tch” at the TV cameras, assuming that nowhere in the world was anyone who could speak Portuguese watching his petulant outburst. Of course everything afterwards was about how the media are to blame for his woes. City had to take a different route to their game lest they get attacked on the way to the “Anfield Torture Chamber” (yes, I sh*t you not, that’s how amazing they are apparently) by the darlings of football. Again. Klopp apparently decided to dress up as the Michelin man’s chavvy younger brother. Lovren, allegedly made a late play for man of the match. That should tell you everything you need to know about this game. The Scouse have, in the last fortnight, failed to beat us or City, but over the radio it came across as a wet affair where neither side went for it. St. Pep gave his usual petulant post match interview when he hasn’t got his own way. He’s got all the charisma of one of Sarri’s used fag-ends when he’s got a sulk on. Mahrez has missed four of his last six penalties. When asked why he took the crucial one today; “because he kicks them well in training.” Right. You carry on then. P*ss those points away. Arsenal destroyed Fulham, tedious b*stards were singing “We’ve got our Arsenal back.” This is why any contact with them other than my one Gooner mate makes me wretch. Since getting destroyed by United, who are in chaos, they have amassed this stunning run which apparently makes them title contenders by beating Newcastle, West Ham, Cardiff, Vorskla, Everton, Brentford, Watford and FC Carrier Bag. I’m sure City are quaking in their football boots. None of those are higher than 9th in the table.

More from the annals of Sexpest today. In case you missed this a few months back – this is one of our home and away season ticket holders, he’s 71 and the perviest septuagenarian you will ever meet. Last time we went over how he accidentally added 200 fourteen year old girls on Facebook when his granddaughter put him on it. He didn’t travel with us today, but emerged soon after we arrived in Southampton waving his sausage around. (Fear not, the kind with onions and a bun) Sexpest is on the road to recovery after prostate cancer and can’t taste anything since he got sick. Still deep throated his hotdog tho. He was told by his female doctor this week that he can’t have sex anymore. I’m disappointed, he said to her, but not as disappointed as my right hand will be. Poor woman. After the United game I’ll regale you with the story of how he lost his virginity to a 65 year-old hooker. We worked out that she would have been born in the 19th Century. When Queen Victoria was still on the throne.

Welcome to St. Mary’s, which is lovely, but if it is remotely windy, you get the sea in your face, if it is remotely sunny you will go blind in the away end until the last twenty minutes when it finally starts to go down. F*ck sake Nike. That kit was awesome, until I saw the socks. That’s definitely getting raised at the forum conference with them. Collected groan of horror from the away support. Don’t forget to email myself (or any of the reps) through the club’s official site (the Fans Forum page) it you want to voice your opinion on anything Nike-like before out meeting with them and the club in ten days or so.

Them: Captained by Champions League winner Bertrand, but more importantly, how very dare they not bring on Charlie Austin on Charlie Austin Day.

Us: Kepa, Rudiger, Alonso, Jorginho, Kante, Barkley, Hazard, The Beard, Willian, Dave and Luiz. Cesc and Cahill drop back to the bench along with Morata. Kovacic and Pesto ready to come on if necessary too, as was Zappacosta, who must have been amazed he wasn’t relegated to washing the kits after almost chucking our slender lead away on Thursday night.

Our first foray into their box was claimed by the keeper after a minute and a half. In fact, the ball remained cemented in their half almost exclusively for the opening five minutes. They barely touched the ball, and on 7 minutes Eden was in, and only after much faffing in the box was the ball put over the bar for a corner. Total dominance ensued, though there were no outstanding chance to speak of. In the opening quarter of an hour we had 86% possession, no shots on target though.

So much space, and they don’t look entirely comfortable at the back. Barkley had out best shot yet from range, and on 18 we had it cleared off the line. Kepa till that point was doing aerobics to keep himself entertained, but he was about to be called into action. Midway through the first half they finally got inside out box, and managed a shot on target, though it was easily saved. On 24 we were screaming about the lack of a free kick on the edge of their box and I realised who the bloody ref was. Craig Poorson. Urgh. The man who massively over, or under-reacts to absolutely everything and never manages to land in the middle and make a sensible decision.

They should have been ahead immediately afterwards. Harder to Danny Ings to miss than it was for him to score but there he was, smashing it twenty feet over the bar from about six yards out. They had barely touched the ball, and yet it was a miracle they were not winning. Out on the right Dave was under pressure from both Bertrand and Redmond, and finding life hard today, everything was coming from that channel. Life was not helped by penalty decisions being waved away. I’m going to say that both were dead certs, purely because if it comes down to our between our judgement at the other end of the stadium and Pawson’s, I know who I trust.

It mattered little, for on the half hour, a fantastic assist from Barkley’s backside as he used it to flatten the opposition Half the Southampton team were back but none in a position to stop Hazard from making it 7 so far this season with ease. Barkley continued to put them under immense pressure in the box by strong-arming defenders. On 35 minutes the ball zipped across the face of goal to no avail. You know the advantage of this kit? You can see the shirt being pulled from vast distances, unless you’re the referee. We were pressing for a second, but the home side were putting in blocks and maintaining jut enough composure at the back to shut us out. Pawson was at it again, booking Bertrand for making sense as we approached the break, but despite our superiority on the pitch, we remained ahead by just the one at halftime.

Romeu on at the break for them. The opening couple of minutes were as you were, but then Bertrand missed a good chance on 50 minutes and straight afterwards, a rather limp Little Willy gave the ball away and let them run at us again. He was a bit erratic today, some very good stuff from him, but a couple of shockers too, probably evened out in the end. In the meantime Southampton were looking much more like a football team and we were a bit lacklustre. More of that horrid, lazy “Maurizio” song. Almost as mercenary as our board have been in the manager stakes, just replacing Antonio’s name with the new guy. Another shocker from the referee on 56, when he ignored a savage tackle on Hazard. It didn’t matter. For from a Willian free kick, The Beard then popped up with the best assist I have seen anywhere this season. In fact I guarantee you won’t see a better one before May. He peels off, nobod goes with him and he volleys it towards  the six yard box.Barkley was there to put it over the line for his first Chelsea goal. He’s like a new man. Pawson by now appeared to have noticed that they were taking it in turns to foul Eden. An hour in and half the team had been booked for kicking him. In the crowd, we finally had an entertaining alternative to that sh*t Sarri song in the shape of “Smoke in a minute, he’s going to smoke in a minute.” The home side were coming into the game more. On 66 minutes we had an epic clearance from Rudi. A subsequent shot from Southampton, however, hit the corner flag. Subs began; The Beard was replaced by Morata, and a few minutes later Pedro Pony came on for Willian.

Lots of love for our keeper too today. He tipped one over the bar with a flying leap on 75 and was met with chants of the renewed crowd favourite: “Kepa, you know, he’s better than f*cking Thibaut.”  (Daddy Cool – I Think) Once again Morata appeared desperate to make a point, and on 79 minutes he was in after a quick break fuelled by the likes of Hazard. He tried to get it under McCarthy, and in fairness, he nearly managed it, but there wasn’t enough pace on it. Kovacic replaced Barkley, who left to a rapturous ovation, with ten minutes to go. Jesus wept. We’ve got “Kovacic, in the middle of our pitch,” at the moment. Please someone think of something better.

More heroics required from Kepa were required on 82 and he pulled off a magical save. At the other end Rudi nearly managed to bundle it over the line with a combination of his chest, his belly and his testicles but there was not enough momentum on it. Southampton’s final chance fell to Danny Ings, who once again crowned it with an atrocious finish. Charlie would have done better. Just when we were ready to call it a day, Hazard cuts the ball in and Morata was in again. I’ll be honest, from directly behind the keeper it looked as if the ball had run away from him, but he managed to send it up over the keeper and he might even have smiled at this one. Just. Well done. 0-3, seven unbeaten, top of the league for a couple of hours at least.

So: It’s hard not to give Eden man of the match every single time, because he is incredible, but for me Ross Barkley was outstanding today, for work rate, fight and of course he made one and scored one. Without slagging Everton off, Blue Squirrel says Chelsea were not a little bit horrified at some aspects of how his injury had been handled up north and had a lot of work to do to fix him “our way.” Whatever they have done has worked. A*se jokes aside, he looks in better condition than I think I have ever seen him. Loftus Cheek has got quite a bit of catching up to do. Still the only unbeaten side in England in all competitions, still right in it at the top, and Chequebook Pulis in mid-meltdown to come after another tedious international break which nobody wants.

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