09:42 I woke up (being slapped round the chops by Bertie because the furry little ratbag had decided it was breakfast time) to the ludicrous notion that everyone and their dog is trying to sign Jonny Evans. The world has actually gone mad.

More importantly, a 5am phone check had revealed that Llorente was scheduled for his medical. Mind you, so was Lukaku. And look what happened there. My mantra is until they are grinning with a blue shirt in their hand, I accept nothing. The Sp*ds are trying to hijack it. Scouse Sports News Transfer Deadline Day Ploy #1 Report every possible eventuality – then gloat like smug w*nkers when one turns out to be right.

09:45 Renato Sanches has gone from being linked with literally every major club in the country to potentially going to Swansea on loan. It does make sense when you factor in Paul Clement. Though suggest explaining to the kid he’s going to live in Wales, not London AFTER he has agreed to it.

09:53 Palace’s shocking start to the season has left them in the sh*t – what is their master plan? To try and sign Mangala from City. October might be the last time for a couple of years we are required to spend an away day in Croydon.

09:56 Llorente deal agreed between Sp*rs and Swansea. For. F*ck. Sake.

10:12 Every time someone on Sky says “Alexis Sanchez” My Echo Dot lights up all excited by the TV. Alexa is an attention seeking wench.

10:25 the Scouse have put a £30m tag on Sakho if Palace want him. If that doesn’t prove to you that the place is full of delusional f*cktards I don’t know what will.

10:33 Everyone stressing muchly with the whereabouts of Mahrez. Is he in London? Is he in Paris? I hope to God they run him to ground in a seedy brothel somewhere in Eastern Europe. Just for the sheer comedy value.

10:36 Scouse Sports News Transfer/Red Swarm Deadline Day Ploy #2 ‘ARRY IN HIS LAND ROVER!! Saying nothing of any consequence at all! We can all go to bed happy now.

10:41 Breaking – Ryan Shawcross signs new 4 year deal with Stoke. Every other club in England breathes huge sigh of relief.

10:44 Scouse Sports News Transfer/Red Swarm Deadline Day Ploy #3 “When nothing is happening at a club, dangle the absolutely improbable in front of the viewer so that they don’t turn over. This time? “United probably won’t sign anyone today, but don’t forget they were interest in Gareth Bale.” Idiots.

11:03 Arsenal not willing to let Sanchez go for cash only and their efforts seem mostly focused on trying to offload Wilshire so that he can go disappoint a set of fans other than theirs for the two weeks he isn’t injured this season.

11:42 First fan spots of the day – two reluctant adults and a pair of kids with a banner that is illegible outside Southampton. This can only get better.

12:10 Why can we not do TDD Italian style? Reps from all Serie A clubs rock up at the same hotel and do their business in one place. Must be awesome in the bar after 10pm. Plus that means that no club representative be no more than 100 yard from pistachio gelato. This is the way to live life.

12:41 FA revelation that there are no longer any fax machines involved. ‘Arry is f*cked. So far they’ve registered 3000+ players during this window… Scouse Sports News/Red Swarm Transfer Deadline Day Ploy #4. Filler. So far we’ve had this tour of an office at Wembley, a montage of Llorente goals against Chelsea because they have nothing new to say about him and because it gives them joy to dig at us and a recruitment drive for the Hertfordshire Fire Brigade.

13:10 Diafra Sakho is this window’s Odemwinge. Just blissfully sorting his own deal out. He’s even agreed personal terms. Mind you, you can’t blame him for showing that much determination to escape West Ham. So far he’s done a runner to France, come back, and now he’s on his way to Chelmsford for a spot of racing. Excellent.

13:30 All this coverage for four deals – two loans into Watford and Swansea, Aurier to Spurs which everyone knew what was happening and likewise with OC.

13:49 No players in. The Nappysh*tting is ramping up on Twitter – Alonso and Luiz were both late deals. Breathe.

14:07 Charlie Nicholas is having a hilarious nervous breakdown over the state of Arsenal. The moment Phil Thompson patted his shoulder with that smug grin on his face (well what you could see of it under that nose) I thought he was going to batter him.

14:10 Even Carragher is distinctly underwhelmed by the Scouse signing O/C. Not surprised. They’ve signed him over us, it looks like, because they have intimated they are more willing to let him play in central midfield. A position that he couldn’t even break into the Arsenal first team playing. I maintain that if someone displays any intimation that that don’t fancy playing for us before they have even signed, f*ck ‘em. Move on.

14:13 Wilshere to Birmingham AHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Even funnier: Jamie Carragher’s disgust that they cut away from him to talk about Jack Wilshere.

14:31 This is proving to be a trying stint. O/C didn’t decided against us because he didn’t want to play wide, according to Phil Thomson

“He’s said no, I don’t want that, I want to go to a club with a vision.”  Does this vision include winning the league again before the End of Days? It certainly doesn’t include buying defenders, or even defending at all. Bellend. Just before that the Red Swarm claimed that the player had been on the Scouse radar for months. He wasn’t even on their radar three days ago. Argh. I suppose from their perspective they’ve signed someone who has won three FA Cups, and players with experience of any trophies at all is new for Klopp. Still nothing will every take away from me Thommo’s crying/sulking b*tch baby reaction to us buying Torres.

14:33 We’ve managed to do a deal for Zappacosta for £23m plus change without anyone hijacking it. Yet.

14:53 Even funnier than Wilshere to Birmingham? Birmingham indignantly denying that they have got any interest in him. When they have bought most things with a pulse this summer. Ladies and gentlemen. I give you England’s great hope.

Just the eight hours to go.

15:00 Mahrez is still wandering London somewhere. Nobody has tried to buy him.

15:08 Charlie Nicholas claims Chelsea as a club can’t compete with the Scouse. He also keeps referring to Conte as Costa. Thomson is claiming that Zappacosta is a fail – “Chelsea fans want big names, not this.” Don’t tell me what I want! DRACARIS! I CALL DRACARIS! There is a fair chance I might either smash my TV or leap from a second floor window before they rotate these two c***s out of there . We all might as well go home, because they’ve handed the Scouse the title.

15:31 Diafra Sakho is now in the car park at Chelmsford race course. Doing what nobody knows.

15:39 Alexis Sanchez has like a tweet. I sh*t you not. This is the best that they can come up with right now as a leading story after an ad break.

15:50 Jack Wilshere described by SSN as a perennial loanee. Whilst I applaud all mockery of the stoned little turd, this is ridiculous. He’s been on loan once. Right?

15:58 I have survived Dumb and Dumber – their stint is over. Nicholas is crying in his dressing room and Phil Thompson is licking a picture of Klippity Klopp. Well he is trying, but his massive beak is in the way.

16:00 Scouse Sports News/Red Swarm Transfer Deadline Day Ploy #5 Periodically heading up a new block with lies about how spectacular the day has been so far, hoping to fool all the people that have just got home and put the TV on.

16:15 Brilliant. Chap from Sky Italia being interviewed. They knew that the Zappacosta deal was agreed last night. And yet, it’s taken nearly 24 hours for the “journalists” in their London office to pick the story up. Class A Deadline Day work by Scouse Sports News. They can’t even email each other. Which explains a lot.

16:22 Arsenal are waiting for a response on a £92m offer for Thomas Lemar. Oh how the morally principled tedious f*ckwits have fallen.  This is because they’ve dicked around with Sanchez, dicked around with other players, had an awful start and have left themselves no option but to offer Monaco anything they want. Including sexual favours and vital organs.

16:28 Scouse Sports News/Red Swarm Transfer Deadline Day Ploy #6 “Interest.” When there is absolutely nothing to say, you pluck names out of thin air, choose a club and speculate that there is “an interest” in a deal. Means absolutely nothing. I have an interest in doing dirty things to Alvaro Morata. There is literally no chance that it’s going to happen

16:37 Incoming text from Mrs Brown (Sitcom alias) “Chequebook Pulis wants Willian.” My response: “CP can kiss Bertie the Kitten’s furry little ginger a*sehole.”

16:49 Where’s Mahrez continues. He could be anywhere in Western Europe is the best that the Red Swarm can manage. How many hotels in London? Over 120,000 apparently. I quite like the thought that some member of their tacky profession has been ringing round them one by one today attempting to find out if he has checked in.

17:23 Thomas Lemar doesn’t want to play for Wenger. Ouch. We’ve gone in a few years from won’t pay, to can’t pay to get players through the door. #WengerIn

17:33 Fascinating insight from Jordan (former Palace chairman) about what it is like to be a chairman/manager on TDD. Says that you have to think of 4-4-2 in terms of the dressing room. For every ten players, at any given time a manager will have four dedicated to him, four on the fence or just willing to get on with it and two that shouldn’t be in the room because their attitude stinks. It’s the manager’s job to get enough of them firing together behind him to make a team. Different from our rosy little dreamworld where they all love our clubs as much as we do. The context of this was that Bilic isn’t doing his job properly with the way things go down at West Ham. I won’t be the one to tell him. Because he looks like a serial killer.

17:43 Mansfield Town Manager jovially complains that Chelsea didn’t accept their club record offer (I’m told £100 and a steak) for Costa.

17:56 The sun is setting. You know what this means. My favourite part of TDD. All the loons come out and try to get on TV outside the various training grounds and stadiums, bringing with them a massive array of random objects and sex toys. The naked blow up doll was hilarious one year, but my all time favourite was the purple dildo being jabbed in the reporter’s ear while he was trying to talk to the studio. One year they even bribed the baying mob with pizzas to get them to behave. A lot of clubs have let them just inside their premises to save them, but I am hugely proud to see that we haven’t let the Red Swarm onto our property at SB. Which means the poor helpless mug (Anton Tolui apparently) is standing on the Fulham Road. And he is going to get it.

18:09 Hurrah! Stuart Pearce is on shift. Asked what he would be feeling right now if he was Wenger. He says if he was Arsene he would have pulled the phone out of the wall.

18:19 French team hotel, Giroud, Giroud’s Beard, Koscielny and Lacazette all beating on the door of Lemar’s room and he still wasn’t having it. This image makes me really happy

18:32 SSN coverage right now? A toddler chasing a football around the car park at Stoke. I hope someone has done a risk assessment.

18:39 Well PSG. £198m on Neymar and now Mbappe on a season long loan pushing the actual transfer fee down the line to get around FFP. I don’t know why they bothered. It’s not like the sanctions are actually taken seriously. In money terms thats is well over £300m on two players, which nobody else has been allowed to do.

19:27 There is a distinct, depressing lack of fan antics. I like it not. I demand to be entertained. I sat through two hours of Phil Thomson to get to this.

19:44 Lemar is going nowhere. Sanchez is going nowhere, after all that. That’s just another season of Arse fans having to watch him laughing from the bench every time they lose then.

19:48 SKY HEADLINE. VAN DIJK TO STAY AT SOUTHAMPTON. Its 8pm. On transfer deadline day. And nobody, anywhere has bid for him. Well done for working that one out.

19:56 Still nobody knows were Mahrez is.

20:22 Screenshot has come my way from the Sun – Chequebook Pulis coming for Willy apparently. If he does he’s going to find me, my football bro Howard (sitcom alias) loaded super-soakers and a lot of stolen luxury cars forming a barricade between the Fulham Road and the board room at Stamford Bridge.

20:36 Leicester have got a replacement lined up from Sporting for Drinkwater, but we still aren’t playing ball with their valuation. While I applaud this to some extent, time is running out, all prices have been stupid this year. We’ve been burned enough. Just suck it up and get it done. I tire of this now.

20:39 I am also sick of walking/skipping/jogging back and forth across my living room. In order to live in front of the TV today, have had to cover 10k and burn requisite calories to keep up with preparation for the charity walk in Jordan. Sod this for a laugh. I’m dizzy.

21:02 Two hours to go and the only thing to amuse us right now is Ian Wright’s misery at the reality of Arsenal on Twitter.

21:17 Sky are running on fumes now. Have been confirming everything that is not going to happen for the last two and a half hours.

21:29 Everyone at Leicester is sitting round waiting for us to put in a higher offer for Drinkwater.

21:31 Lemar has scored again for France. He might as well be cock-slapping Wenger’s face right now.

22:15 Suddenly it is all happening. Slew of players at Cobham waiting to be seen. Worse than trying to get a doctors appointment on the NHS. Barkley and his reps pulled the plug on a move mid-medical. Second thoughts apparently. Merson with the absolutely, unequivocally, most stonking quote of the day:

Just a baffled face and: “You can’t live in Liverpool all your life!”

22:22 Fan antics! Finally! Though it was amateur, I wont lie, a few saps running past the camera shouting w*nker. Where? Outside the Bridge of all places. Obviously QPR fans making mischief.

22:35 Barkley apparently wants to reconsider his move away from Everton when he is fit in the January window – Daft to let the deal go that far along but apparently does not rule out possibility of him joining us then. You can bet the sp*ds will be sniffing around though. I don’t believe any player that’s ruled out for months should ever be moving on before he’s at least close to fitness so I can’t complain about it. Surely its not a good thing to move from one medical team to another while you are crocked? I guess potentially the biggest impact that it has on us is that that was a homegrown player about to come through the door.

22:44 Sixteen minutes to go – we’re potentially being given a couple of extra hours by the Premier League to wrap this Drinkwater deal up.

22:53 We aren’t the only muppets that have left it till the last minute, as Brighton are trying to get two deals over the line. Tim Krul has come down from Newcastle and he’s literally sweating live on Sky now he’s on the south coast.

22:57 The Red Swarm have spent the last six minutes running down championship deals and interviewing Watford signings. #priorities

22:59 Kamara quite rightly questioning why three players (Llorente, OC, Barkley) have got all the way to organising medicals at Chelsea, that is after you’ve discussed fees, wages, personal terms, everything, and then they signed. Very valid question.

23:05 Another source now claiming that Barkley didn’t get as far as starting a medical. It will be interesting when all of that comes out in the wash.

23:14 Zappacosta is done. There are six potential Premier League deals that could still go through by 1am, one of which is Drinkwater to Chelsea, but thank f*ck that is over, is all I can say. I’ll pick the bones out of it when the dust settles. For now I need to get away from Liam Hemsworth, who has been banging on about some cheap aftershave in every ad break since 9:40am. I never want to see his face again.

Contribution from Alexander Churchill