Sheffield Wednesday or Luton for us in the Fourth Round of the FA Cup. Klopp is blaming the wind for the Red Scouse’s hilarious early exit. I blame the fact that you didn’t give a sh*t, that you clearly thought it was beneath you to take the game seriously because you’re so sure that the league and the Champions League are both within your reach and the fact that Wolves were better than you. Bellend.

Of all the TV pundits right now, I think I’d like to punt Jermaine Jenas into a vat of steaming sewage the most. With a nose clip on to ensure that his mouth is open. What a irritating tosser he is. How did he convince the media world that he was either high profile or cognisant enough to provide football analysis for millions of people? There has to have been a Harvey Weinsteinesque blow job or two in there. He must have been blowing Sky Sports execs till his jaw ached because there was no way that boy’s talent, or lack of, was getting him anywhere. If he has a gag reflex left I’ll be stunned and if he played football as effortlessly as he yaps sh*t he might have been someone. Trash-talking Chelsea again. He has spent the week telling Callum Hudson-Odoi to go to Bayern, and now it is: “Eden Hazard has outgrown Chelsea and should leave.” Not as quick as Willian outgrew Sp*rs. Eh? Before he’d even got off their private jet. And says the man who could barely get on the Sp*rs bench when they were bumbling around mid-table and then retired at 25. F*ck and off.

And Mark Clattenburg has once again been regaling with us with the story of how the Battle of the Bridge was the hardest game he ever had to referee. Last four times we’ve played them now. He’s like Uncle f*cking Albert. And Podgettino said he was going to approach this “smart and naughty.” The rest of us call it: “cheating.”

Them: F*ck them.

Us: Morata last-minute injury, which left us with a false nine and a dubiously fit Beard on the bench. All the clamour, though, was around the fact that CHO got a start in a notable semi-final. A well-deserved start.

We survived the first minute; Huzzah. Promising early signs, even though it took them all of two minutes to try and get a penalty by cheating. The first effort from the slobbering moron was solidly saved by Kepa on 4, but we were by no means cowed and pathetic like the last time out. We were using width, and playing with intent, in fact we could even be described as bright – especially CHO. Usually, the first leg like this would be cagey and dull, but straight away it was not.
At this point, they were booing Alonso (whose only crime against them is to be better than them) and Willian every time they touched the ball. Sad f*ckers are going to run out of breath quick. Shame.

Not only we were better than November, but they were a lot less committed than the opening spell of the league game that saw us trampled. The Diving Little Sh*t, for example, was far less harassing so far as Jorginho was concerned. I was glad to see, too, that we have finally learned to hustle that little f*cker in the box in order to not let him score.

We were the better side all night. A shot from Barkley went over on 17 minutes, a long-range effort from Hazard a couple of minutes later was better, but still no cigar. Then along came VAR. I’m not seething with rage about it, I’m not about to do a Scouse and start a f*cking petition or demand the game is replayed, but it is stupid and frustrating.

Firstly the linesmen have been told to still put the flag up.

This means defenders stop. As defenders have stopped since football was a load of medieval farmers kicking a pigs bladder about and the flag was made from the flayed skin of a Scotsman.

Someone with a less than ideal view, diagonal, then overrides the Lino on the spot. When it isn’t any clearer on the screen.

Now, Michael Oliver is regarded as our top referee. It’s why he was there last night instead of Jonathon f*cking Moss.

And yet the referees are apparently being “discouraged” from going over to the screen because of how long it takes.

So in all, on a not clear call in a match of huge importance, the officials on the spot were overridden by men not chosen to be there, watching it on television like the rest of us.

And with less than adequate footage. Because if Chelsea have footage from the halfway line, and not a vague cut across, then why do they not?

This cannot become the norm.

I can’t believe how many pundits have claimed Kepa should have been sent off. Surely KNOWING THE RULES OF FOOTBALL is a pretty basic prerequisite for the job?

Anyway, they didn’t deserve it but they were ahead. I’ll also remark that it wasn’t necessary for f*cking Harry Kane to sling himself eight feet in the air but they seem to go in for this in a big way at Sp*rs these days. And their manager is the same nationality as Maradona. I rest my case.

They were booing Kepa now too. Hopefully, this meant they would pass out sooner.

Kante proved to be our best hope of an equaliser as the half wore on. On target on 33 minutes, and he was the one at the fore again six minutes later to get in the box and try again. CHO missed the bar straight after. We’d had double their attempts, they were so deep they could have tripped over the f*cking Titanic, but their line was holding. Our best chance yet came when CHO hit a stunner of a cross in injury time that deflected off Rose. Unfortunately, the keeper managed to just tip it onto the woodwork. He had looked completely at home in this big fixture. Another reason we shouldn’t sell him. Just like SHOWING THAT WE LEARNED SOMETHING FROM SELLING KEVIN DE BRUYNE.

As you were in the opening minutes of the second half. An early free kick for Willian up goes the hand signal (number 22 I believe, or 28) and then no joy. But we hadn’t dropped our level over the break and this was good.

We were desperate for the ball to fall for us in the box on 49, but at least Hazard managed to manufacture a corner out of it when he couldn’t find a way to have a shot. After a one-handed diving save from Kepa at the other end, Hazard loosed off one of his running-along-the-edge-of-the-box specials on 52 but it was stopped again.

It certainly felt like we were knocking on the door. Kante’s turn to have ago next and again, he forced a save, Alonso just not close enough for the rebound as it flew back out. CHO was getting frustrated with nobody chasing his balls in the box, we could really have done with The Beard but he was clearly fit for X minutes and we wouldn’t see him until then.

We were building such a good head of steam but the final punch wasn’t there. Christensen was the latest to just miss the target after a flick on from Barkley on 58.

Refwatch: I don’t hold him responsible for the VAR fiasco. It’s a much wider issue. Oliver wasn’t afraid to show the yellow card as they took it in turns to foul Hazard, either. He is one of the only ones that this does not get past. He managed to draw a line between having a physical game and letting it flow without it descending to a Clattenburg-esque free for all of f*ckmuppetry. Is I suppose I have to be nice.

Pedro Pony was about to leap into action on the hour, with Willian making way. Just as they started chanting the Y word in their thousands. Against the express wishes of Jewish organisations everywhere. How long can Sp*rs hold out before they have to attempt to get their house in order too? Harry Kane sat on the pitch wasting time, and then as soon as the game restarted they appeared to remember that they were playing a football match. This was concerning, as we had precisely nothing to show at the moment for all of our hard work.

But Hazard was really working hard now, he’d taken it to another, relentless level in trying to find a way through them. And yet still we couldn’t break them down. Barkley for Kovacic on 74 – which was a very “I’m going to make sure this tie doesn’t get away from us by conceding another” change. I can appreciate that.

The Beard didn’t appear to be that fit at all, else I am sure we would have seen him already. He finally entered the fray on 79 minutes and CHO left to keen applause after another good showing. A little frustrating. Think of Hudson-Odoi as the provider, the waiter – with The Beard a starving diner waiting for his dinner. We could have undoubtedly stood a chance of equalising with them both on, but Sarri would have had to bring off Hazard, or someone from deeper, and you don’t do either of those in a first leg semi-final tie against this lot. I can appreciate that too. I can’t appreciate that Trippier has the worst sleeves I’ve seen, and in the world of football that is saying something. They look like he’s let a toddler doodle on his arm in permanent marker. I imagine the artist was weeping as they were implored to do that.

Note to Sp*rs. It’s not a foul every time you lose the f*cking ball. And who in the name of all that is holy is Oliver Skipp? He looks like a librarian in his mid-40s. Then they brought on Llorente. How’s your career working out for you? He might have been playing every week if he’d signed for us, but of course, the likelihood is that he would have signed for us and then become immediately sh*t. It was like the f*cking Alamo as the clock wound down. A goal was the least we deserved, but, oh well. Come and Get It, will be the order of the day at the Bridge in the second leg.

So: Were we hard done by? Yes. Is it too late to turn it around? No. Oh, and f*ck Jermaine Penas.